Every Girl Cries

It's been so long since ive written to the world. This week, different from any other week, im finally taking responsibility for all the lying, stealing, deceit, overdosing, syringes, straws, pipes, razors, sex, hate... everything that has festered and built up, making me the person that i am right now. Im not ashamed to say that ive shot up in nasty hotel rooms in the sex infested slums of hollywood, hiding out from the police. Im not ashamed to tell the world that just this tuesday, i was released from county jail in which i had spent the past six weeks, detoxing, crying, suicidal, and lost. And now, today, im definitely proud to say that this tuesday, im expected at a wonderful residential rehabilitaion program in central mass, where i will be residing for the next six months. For the first time in my life, im not blaming my drug addiction on my emotional crises, lovelife, self-esteem, or childhood. Im finally admitting to myself, and everyone that ive hurt over the past four years that ive fucked up and i want to change. It kills me to remember every morning that i could of been a better influence on my baby brother, he is doing a year in the juvenille prison, battling with a drug addiction that i fed. I hate waking up every morning, alone because my husband (yes, my husband) is in jail as well because we couldnt do anything productive with ourselves from the moment we laid eyes on each other, but break the law, get high, and be together. I hate waking up being reminded everything ive lost and given up just for one hit, one shot, its disgusting. The list is endless when i think about all the people that ive hurt, its endless. Ex-boyfriends, friends, grandparents, strangers, brother, i hope every one of you can forgive me and the amount of turmoil ive exsumed. Any one of my victims knows who they are and what ive done to them, but may not know how sorry i am and how much it bothers me everyday to be reminded of the people ive lost along the way. Soon, a new Kassie.

seriously, i need to work on the whole not being so dramatic all the time thing.
i honestly feel like i create an atmosphere of animosity as soon as my feelings become tied up in any sort of way.
im pathetic, terribly childish, im aware of all of this, but i still dont know how to fix it.
at this moment, im in a relationship that is very realistic and i keep acting like im a teenager in a way that throwing a tantrum will fix everything. fuck.
there is a reason why love didn't exist in my life for so long.
i just hope i can snap out of it before i turn this into every other fuck up ive induced.

i'm in love with him.
i wished for him.
this is still too good to be true.
sometimes its hard to breathe when i look at him.
hes amazing, just like when i first met him.

i feel so lame, but i've never been able to fathom this feeling until now. i dont want it to go away.

<3

the past six months of my life have been the longest journey that i've been on in quite sometime. battling drugs, suicide, love, hate, i feel like i've aged about 5 years.
for now, at this time i'm finally pleased to say that my head is for once on straight; i feel completely refreshed.
theres a handful of people that have given me an abnormal amount of support and im extremely grateful, hopefully those names could stay discrete while, in reality, they know who they are.
and its at this time when i feel like i almost didnt make it, but im so happy that i did.
my life is amazing now.
ive begun starting over.
for once, i cant wait to live the rest of my life...
so much less fear, hate, guilt, destruction...
i feel amazing.

today, like many others this month are the first days of my life. california is what i needed.

this livejournal is dead. i have no reason to write in it. complain? relish in happiness? whats the point. no one actually cares. my life has its ups and downs enough for me to deal with it alone.
peace.

my journal entries from June 25,2005 until present time are now friends only. so dont try and hold anything i say against me six months later.

the end. if youre not an lj friend, fuck off and stop reading.

i am extremely bitter this week. there are only just a few personalities that interest me and im catching myself brushing people aside.
im becoming entirely too picky about the people ive been hanging out with, and i seem to be off in my own little world the majority of the time.

offers. getting a lot. some are ridiculous. some are tempting. some, i seriously need to sit down and think about the consequences first. and some are just a fuck you to the face.

i wont be that girl. i cant be that girl no matter how much i would want to. i care to much about everything.

im getting three new tattoos on saturday...trying a new artist, and trusting veras word that hes great and cheap. then in the evening, heading to palmer for hardcore show two of this week -- hoping to not ruin a happy birthday while im there.

shower. work. the complex, probably. johnny v, being my shining armor. jacob james denney bonding time.

i AM a cunt. i SHOULD kill myself.

maybe im just indecisive.

you have no idea what you just did. :)

ps i should have stuck with valentines day specials. god, im a flippin idiot.

i found a new roomate and should be moving out more or less than a month or so. im so pumped.

i was surrounded by bad moods all night, i cant wait to go to sleep, wake up, and teach round two of the most boring workshop tomorrow.

good'summer'night

ps.
H? i think im dissapointed in myself.

adjustment is by far the hardest thing. im not used to the lack of kisses good night.
i missed out on what could have been and should have been something that ive never experienced before.
you read my letter, no response, no hello, no goodbye, just a wave and a walk around my presence.
maybe this is a test, you, hoping that i mean what i tell you this time... without any need for comfort from a flame that can easily be rekindled.
so, to you, the one i let get away, im not going anywhere. im not waiting, im just here, so you know this isnt like before. no unsure actions, no petrified emotions creeping up. im enjoying my freedom and using my time so very wisely, and you will know if the time is right.
if i never see you again. movies and snowstorms were great and thank you for the pneumonia.
tonight im going to watch a movie and read some of elliot smith.
i watched the most sex crazed film yet with, vera and james this afternoon. john waters is brilliant. i wish i was a sex addict, my life would be so much better if i had sex that much.

this week:
tattoos. hair coloring. sushi. work. elliot smith. not drinking. motivation. uppers. hopefully making out. dodging drama. enjoying everything. enjoying friendships. writing. getting rid of the rotten things i hold onto. hoping to run into you at the mall. hoping to fulfill all of this.

"God that was strange to see you again, introduced by a friend of a friend,
I smiled and said ‘yes I think we’ve met before,’ in that instant it started to pour, captured a taxi despite all the rain, we drove in silence across punchant plain, all of the time you thought I was sad, I was trying to remember your name…

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin, tried to reach deep but you couldn’t get in, now you’re outside me, you see all the beauty, repent on your soul, its nothing but time and a face that you lose, I chose to feel it and you couldn’t chose, I'll write you a postcard and send you the news, from a house down the road, finally in love…

Live through this, and you won’t look back…
Live through this, and you won’t look back…
Live through this, and you won’t look back…

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave, you knew what I wanted, I gave what I gave, I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry its over, I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say,

I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say..."

ps. im so utterly excited to hang out with the fag team tonight for Ben Roney-Yeager's 21st birthday bash. This will be the first time in fucking forever that we've all been in the same social situation.
im totally going to try and NOT drink tonight. I was so obnoxious last night, and nasty fuckers were telling me lies to feed my naive self esteem just to get into my pants, HA YEAH right. Fuck that noise. Thank god for the awesomeness of good friends, especially the ones rocking the sobriety.
I appologize dearest Nicholas Pappas for having to deal with my stupid lush face everyday, and listen to my babbles everytime ive had too much to drink. i owe everything, including indian food.

the end with the nostalgia of friendships...tonight ill most likely have a weepfest with Benjamin.

random east longmeadow parties with too good of friens and hot tubs mixed with a lot of Jack Daniels is not the night i was looking for....there were too many people taking care of me.

holler at the honesty.

i cant wait to dig into my new Elliot Smith biography that i jacked from B&N this afternoon. its a date.
i got called a freak this afternoon by an overtired mother who must have been talking about my piercings seeing as i was wearing the most tasteful of outfits with a flower in my hair... yet im a freak.
i drove around for a good portion of the night with another guy who isnt a lover, but just a friend, listening to noise pieces and remixed classics.
i think im doing pretty well.
(not caring that there was no response to that four page pile of words that signified my heart and soul...)
my life just repeats. i live by the deafening pain of silence.
goodnight.
then goodmorning h&m.

adjustment is the worst "sickness" ,if you will, that can be taken in by me. i live far too much by routine, that the only thing that kills me is a change. this phobia creates bad and good desicions. Good, because i think im starting to finally realize what direction my life has been going in for too long, and the amount it weighs me down, and bad because i should stick with my instincts rather than going with what feels comfortable. if i had done that months ago, i would be so much happier right now. im pretty sure that i gave up feelings that i searched for my whole life, for a destruction that didnt progress, just made not want to wake up every morning. i had a good time, and i had that intimacy that every girl needs from a guy...but it made me such an irresponsibly childish person.
so here i am, with the summer weather just painted over my shoulders. im remembering that time when you told me that summer reminded you of being in love, and in that moment, as with many others, you scared me away with perfections of thought and feelings, throwing out what every girl wants to hear. and im here, wondering what it would be like if i hadnt just thrown you away in the cold february storms...
im keeping myself busy and letting fate guide me.

note to self : dont throw away valentines.

. still holding my breath while that letter just floats in the midst of wonder .

this week has been so incredibly strange. ive had so much fun just being around the people that i care about the most. although, its been tough sorting out feelings that im trying to overcome, feelings that im discovering, and feelings that i promised i would always stay away from.
in the end, i just need to sleep.

i have 80mg of confusion in my blood right now, but i just cant seem to keep my eyes open.

ps. im still waiting for that neutral ground to surpass those words that were stuck in the back of my throat. i dont think you could ever fathom what it took for me to communicate with you. just listen, no sudden movements.

I went to the class of 2005 graduation for PVPA, and found myself incredibly over emotional. I was more than uneasy about seeing so many people that consumed most of my time in high school. Uneasy, because it was strange.

This week has been so unreal and incredibly weird for my own good. Ive been spending time with people that i havent seen in years, and it feels good to bring back past feelings of just fucking off and having fun.

Then later in the evening yesterday i drank more than i could handle in such little time, hoping to go to Divas and patch up those old wounds. Instead I came across things i didnt want to hear, shit i didnt want to see, and a shot of vodka that got me kicked out of the club so early in the night.

Dearest Nathan, im sooooo sorry, i feel horrible, and I hope that your ladie friends werent too upset.

Tonight, im going to rock out at the Taste of West Springfield, hoping to get some awesome foods with my friends. I'm pretty pumped.
the end.

ps. i hope that letter will find grasp that unfinished business. <3

im constantly falling in love with a mystery.
...haunted by my past.

fuck, i make bad decisions.

three shots of tequila, four shots of gin, and one shot of whiskey later, i seemed to have destroyed the meaning and reasoning of a friendship, and i appologize. i dont know what happened, something just clicked at that apartment with her and i, and this is to you, i hope i didnt hurt you.

on a similar note. just to make it clear, best friends dont exist. love doesnt exist. its all a fucking myth. whatever i think could be love or a relationship close enough to make two people care about each other, im fooled. it's obvioulsy just me, as a weak person, forcing others to live my life for me.

ugh. fuck you. im alone in all of this.